AdverTERRIBLE

Okay, I’ve heard of killing kittens, but this is just plain un-natural.

I’m gonna take the high road and avoid any jokes about the other name for cat. That’s just too easy.

There’s plenty else to puke about in this Fancy Feast cat food commercial. Let’s break it down.

We open to a Katherine Zeta Jones wannabe bringing her dream guy home to meet her cat.

The pampered pet lives with Ward & June Cleaver who tele-ported back (or is it forward) to the 1980′s and stole Mr. Belvedere’s clothes.

BTW, was she the milkman’s baby? There’s no way those are her real parents.

17 seconds in, June gives Ward the “they’re getting it on tonight” look.

When they leave, the dude is totally checking out her, um, cat. Take a look about 22 seconds in. That just ain’t right people.

Then it gets really creepy. Mr. Flake goes into obsession mode and starts turning his domicile into a giant kitty tree-house!

We bring little Miss Cleaver back with the cutest, snuggliest little itty-bitty kitten you ever did see. Awwwww. What a happy little palate cleanser.

Suddenly Flaky-man attempts a roommate switch with a proposal. “Will you marry us?” Dude. What are you wanting to do with this poor little kitten?

But everything’s okay. She’s into it.

Product placement. There’s the Fancy Feast because we all know all the best WASP households feed their cats Fancy Feast.

Final scene. Get your barf bags ready ’cause this is gonna’ make you puke, people.

At 49 seconds, they’re eating Chinese take-out together!

I think I just threw up some in my mouth.

Call me a pig, but I could watch this all day.

This import infomercial from China features what can best be translated as a Cleavage Clamp. Of course, it would never sell in America with that name – but more on that later.

My Chinese is a little rusty nonexistent. Fortunately, the scientifically accurate animations explain everything.

It works by magically moving little glowing balls from your belly and your butt into your breasts. This significantly increases your bust size from a B-cup to a D. Simple.

Now your girls can bust out and party all night long.

So about that name. What would work in the USA? Lulu Lifters? Bra Buddies?

Topic thrown out. Discuss.

State Farm Auto Insurance now apparently has a magic dating service for people who can’t sing. Just sing the “good neighbor” jingle off-key (or just say it if you’re really bad) and poof, instant hottie of your choice appears and is immediately interested in you.

Want proof?

“Magic Jingle Hot Tub”

“Magic Jingle Parking Lot”

According to AdBrands.net, “State Farm is America’s biggest home and auto insurance group, now expanding into general financial services. The company covers approximately one out of every six cars in the US, and one out of five homes. In the fiercely competitive personal insurance market, State Farm has for many years attempted to differentiate itself from its rivals through a ‘good neighbour’ policy, leaning heavily on its heritage of fair dealing and promoting a spirit of mutual trust between the company and its customers.”

Looks to me like they’re promising 20-somethings a way to hook up. How much trust will they inspire when they can’t deliver?